Do You Know?

Do you know?

Do you know who you are? Do you know who God created you to be? Do you know that your life has purpose? Do you know that God created you to be unique? Do you know that God loves you?

Do you know that God wants you to know Him? Do you know that He cares about every detail of your life? Do you know that even when things don't go as planned, the promise still stands? Do you know that even when you make mistakes, God still loves you?

Do you know that He will never stop loving you?

Do you know that when life is hard, you aren't alone? Do you know that when life is great, God is cheering with you? Do you know that the love our Daddy God has for us cannot be measured or contained?

Do you know? Do you realize? Have you grasped?

God loves you and you are never alone. Nothing you do can ever separate you from God. Nothing. In. The. World. Can. Ever. Separate. You. From. God.

Accept His love. Soak it in. Talk to Him. Listen to Him. Learn your purpose. Be loved and share love.

Our Story: Part Seven

This is the last part in our story… For now anyhow. God is still working and I look joyously on the day that Part 8 will be up, for this will be our epic announcement of the fulfillment of God's word! Watch for it… it's coming!

I shared with you, my friends and family, our story because I had hoped it would encourage you. I realize that so many times in life we don't talk about the ugly things because we are supposed to be "perfect". The problem is, none of us are perfect. We are all people living in a fallen world. The amazing thing is that we have a God who loves us and He's given us each other to help us when life gets tough.

We can laugh together, cry together, worship together, pray together and just be together. When we share our lives together we experience community and love. When we are transparent about what we are going through others can help us through with love and wisdom. Then we are empowered to help others by encouraging them with our story.

You see, we were never meant to walk this road alone. God is a god of relationship and community. He never promised easy, but He promised we wouldn't have to do it on our own. He didn't say this life would be beautiful and perfect either.

We all have a story, each one is very different. There may be similarities, but you may not have experienced what Jason and I have gone through and I know that I have not experienced what many have gone through.

What I am thankful for is a Daddy who loves me no matter what. He daily gives me strength and courage to live and follow through with the call He has on my life. He walks with me and talks with me... Although when it gets really hard He just holds me. Sometimes words are overrated.

I'm thankful for people who care and come alongside us and pray with us and love us. I'm thankful for a husband who has always seemed to be stronger than me.

In the last couple of years Jason and I decided that we would live our lives to the full. We realize that any summer could be our last one without children... So, we made a list of things we would like to do before we have kids. We're working through it. We decided to enjoy our sleep while we can. We have learned to enjoy life as just the two of us and this has taught me something truly valuable....

If it were always just Jason, myself and God... I would be okay.

I would be okay... In fact, I would be happy. Happiness does not come from our circumstances, joy comes from The Lord! I have learned that while believing for something, it's okay to be happy. Daily I believe for the fulfillment of our miracle. But I'm happy, and that is freeing my friends.

Seek God and He will show you how He sees you. He will show you how to live a life full of joy and meaning. He loves you like He loves me. He's never left you and He never will...

Our Story: Part Six

As I look back on the last 6 1/2 years of our married life I see many life lessons and precious people who have been so supportive and loving through our battle.

I do call it a battle. This is because we have fought emotionally, physically and spiritually for many things. For example, our sanity, our healing, understanding and the ability to love others who have so easily obtained the one thing we desire. This, my friends, is not easy. It's also a battle to love those that say things, often unknowingly, that have the ability to cut and wound.

There is something deep within you that sparks pain when you hear of someone who takes for granted the ability to conceive, and those that take their pregnancy and children for granted. I always wish deep down that everyone wanted every child ever conceived and born. My heart longs for there to be not a single orphaned or aborted child! My heart longs that no womb would be barren and no child miscarried.

I realize we should not compare our story to someone else's, we each have our own story. But their circumstances certainly do put perspective on ours. My heart swells with love for each pregnancy I know of, and those I'm not aware of. I adore little children to no end. They are precious gems that bring joy into the world. Their innocence is so valuable I wish we would all take a lesson from it. Through this battle I have learned to see life as the most amazing gift! I am thankful for the women who do conceive easily so they don't have to bear this pain. I am thankful for healthy pregnancies carried to term. I am thankful for adoption so babies and children can be loved by people who have huge hearts!

In life, we are always given a choice. No matter the situation, we can choose to become bitter and angry, or we can choose to walk a life with the fruit of the Spirit. We can choose to do things our way or we can choose to trust God. I will always choose God. The reason being, He has always chosen me and no matter how difficult life can get I know I am never alone. He walks with me, comforts me, loves me and guides me. Through Him, I have strength to love people and pray for people, whom I otherwise would not be able to.

This summer, 2012, I realized that the reason I know about pregnancies before people have announced or even before they happen is because God wants me to pray for them. Pray for the parents and the new life being formed. At first I thought it to be a curse as it was just, plain and simply, painful. Now I realize it's a gift I have to be shared with others. A way to bless people. I look at it joyfully now and even have a list of names I write down when I suspect someone and then put the confirmation date… You just might be on my list if you've had a baby in the last few years.

Jason and I believe every day and every month that God will fulfill His promise. The Bible tells us in Isaiah 55:11 that God's Word does not return to Him void. I believe that we will have a baby and I believe that it will happen naturally. I don't know when it will be. But I know it will be. God is faithful.

The one thing I know in life is that I can rely on God. Always.

Our Story: Part Five

One of my favorite lessons came from a meeting with a wonderful couple that pastor's our Spanish ministry here at Res, Pastor Dave and Gerri.

They had told us that we needed to come to a place of sweet surrender and patient perseverance. The imagery they gave me is quite beautiful. Imagine yourself as a child on Christmas morning amongst many children. The adult is passing out the gifts to all the children, but so far, there's nothing for you... But you know there's a wonderful gift for you. You have anticipation of this gift and joy for it. All the while you're happy and joyful for those around you. This happiness and joy comes because you know your Daddy didn't forget about you!

What a powerful image! Our Father loves us! He has never forgotten about us and He never will. His Word does not come back to Him void and His promises are "Yes and amen" to all His children.

I look forward to the day I have a positive pregnancy test, and the opportunity to hear a little heartbeat. And then the moment you feel your little blessing kick, and holding them for the first time.

What joy! And what an amazing experience to look forward to!

This year, 2012, has been what I would call "the climax" of my healing. I really thought I had dealt with all the junk and yucky of waiting and still believing every day and every month that this could be the day God fulfills His promise. But in February I had suspected another friend to be pregnant. This stirred up something I didn't know still existed in my heart…

We went to our group for young married couples and the suspicion I had was confirmed, my friend was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks… unexpectedly. As the evening began and I looked around the table I was sitting at, I realized that I was sitting with a bunch of expecting moms. This did not sit well with me and no matter how much I tried, I could not pull myself together. We had to leave early…

We went home and neither Jason or I could even keep it together. He decided to go for a run and I decided to take a bath… We both needed time with Jesus. I wept and wept and wept. I asked Jesus why. No answer. However, He showed me a picture… It was the two of us and He was hugging me. No matter what I said or did, He simply held me. He never said a word, but I was surrounded with peace.

I realized that there isn't always an answer… at least an answer that we get to hear. The one thing God wants from us is our whole heart. He wants us to trust that He has our best interest in mind and that means that it may not line up with what we had in mind. In order for this to work, you have to trust Him. You have to know that you only need to know one step at a time.

I do not imply that everything is in the will of God. I am simply stating that God loves us and always wants the best for His children. What parent wouldn't? Life doesn't always play out the way we want it to and there aren't always explanations for the ugly and painful. But God is always with us. He never leaves, He walks the lonely and painful roads with us. He is no stranger to grief.

This is part of learning to let Him love you and learning to trust Him. It's not easy, but believe me, it's worth it. 

Our Story: Part Four

At the beginning of the year (2010) we started going to a natural doctor to make sure that everything else in our bodies was running soundly and that our nutrition was in order. We figured that since we were trying to have a baby it would be wise to make sure that we were getting all the nutrition necessary for our bodies to function properly and for my body to carry a baby.

I wasn't comfortable with the idea of going back to the OB-GYN because we had received a word that we would conceive naturally. For quite some time I struggled with the idea that if I went to the doctor I would not be walking in faith. It was actually torment in my mind. A constant battle of what we should and shouldn't do. Believing that God would fulfill His promise and not wanting to do something that would jeopardize it.

At the end of the year we had finally determined that it would be okay for us to visit my OB-GYN to double check that everything was in order and that we weren't missing anything. This decision was made with perfect peace. We really felt that God was leading our steps and comforting us the whole way. My favorite part was having them do blood work on me and finding that my hormones were normal and that there were no signs of PCOS whatsoever! God had healed me, just as I already knew, but now could physically see.

At that point, my OB found nothing wrong with me and told us it was Jason's turn to be tested. We knew that there was a possibility that there could be a problem with him due to his past (which he has requested to be private). So, on the short note in respect to him, we did find there to be a problem that required surgery. He went through with the surgery in March of 2011. At this point we have been told that if we don't get pregnant our only option is a fertility doctor.

Truth be told, we have discussed going to the fertility doctor many times. Each time we have come to the conclusion that this is not the road that God wants US to go down. (This may be different for you). I have discovered that no matter what avenue you go down, and no matter if you wanted the child or not, every single conception is, quite simply, a miracle. If you truly understand what has to happen in order for this life to be formed, you would see how much it requires the artistic and loving touch of a Creator.

When I realized this, I began to realize that no matter what I do, which doctor I go to, in the end it's up to God. I have absolutely no control over the situation. Let me tell you, that's a really difficult and beautiful place to be. Difficult because it's not easy not being able to control the situation. Beautiful because it requires a level of trust and dependence on God that would never develop if we were never in a situation we couldn't control.

I have been brought to complete surrender in my life. 

Our Story: Part Three

Nothing happened overnight. In fact, I'm still not 100%. But everything in my world began to change for the better. God had begun to do a work in me that has propelled me further into relationship with Him. I still ran away from people I knew were pregnant because I didn't know how to deal with the pain and be happy for them at the same time. But every time I ran, Jesus was with me comforting me.    

That year (2009) I decided to become proactive in finding out what the problem was with us conceiving. As I researched polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) I discovered that it was very likely caused by the foods I was eating. As I continued to search out what was going on Jason and I decided that we didn't know what foods were safe or good for us anymore. With this newfound information we cleaned out of our cupboard everything that was processed. Then we went shopping and within hours had become vegans.

In December of 2009 I had a conversation with a friend about healing. It was there that I realized how big and awesome my God is. I got this crazy idea that He could and would heal me of PCOS. That Sunday morning I had determined that I would have the pastor pray for me at church and I was going to be healed. I tell you that everything that could have possibly gone wrong, went wrong that morning. But with perseverance I made it to church and I received prayer. This was of course after waiting in the sanctuary after service and chasing the pastor down… Because he didn't see me waiting for him.

It was here, as Pastor Dean was praying for us, that we received a word that we would indeed have children and that it would happen naturally. God healed my womb that very moment. I was crying and so excited I could hardly contain it! I thought for sure that month we would conceive.

However, it didn't play out the way I thought it would. We were charting and we had purchased an ovulation test that month. According to my temperatures and the ovulation test we were dead on with our timing... But nothing happened. I was so disappointed and I felt defeated in January. I came into a bit of depression. More people are conceiving and I'm still here feeling like a lost puppy. Feeling forgotten.

If you've been in this place, you understand how I felt. It hurts, it's confusing, and you feel helpless. But the one thing that always remained was the comfort and peace that God gave me. Every day He reminded me of His never-ending love. He showed me all infinite ways that He cares for us and our needs. All the pain that my heart has bore has brought me so much closer to my Father.

In the following year it was a rollercoaster. Every month a disappointment, every month tears in the amount of rivers. At least it seemed that way. But always feeling encouraged and re-energized to get back up and try again, to keep moving forward and pressing in. God never ceased to give me strength that I could have never come up with on my own.

You see, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. God doesn't promise that doing things His way will be easy, in fact, He tells us it will be hard and full of persecution. But He promises that He will walk the road WITH us. He will NEVER forsake us. What an amazing promise! 

Our Story: Part two

We decided that going on the Metformin would be the best decision for us. Not having a lot of information made the saying "ignorance is bliss" very fitting. None-the-less it did get my cycle going again.

Everything regulated in my body (at least it appeared to) and we thought we were home-free. I had decided that continuing to take the Metformin was not something I was comfortable with. I discovered that it was a diabetic medication and that didn't set well with me.

Another disclaimer: as you'll notice, my instincts tend to steer away from modern medicine. It's just something I personally am not comfortable with. If that's the direction you choose or have chosen, then that's what you need to do. Please do not take anything I say as the end-all, be-all. This is simply our story and what we're comfortable with.

Keeping the mindset that we currently had, "if it happens, it happens" was getting increasingly more difficult as time went on. Nothing was happening. When we had been married for two years I started an internship at our church. It was August of 2008 and it was the direction that we felt led to go. It was an unpaid internship with the college ministry and it started a whirlwind of adventure living for God!

We were having a blast serving in our church in a new capacity, learning and building relationships. During this time though was when I began to realize how much it was bothering me that nothing was happening. It was here where the people around me started getting pregnant in large amounts. It literally seemed that there wasn't any married person not pregnant... and even a few single ones. 

A deep anger and bitterness started to rise up in me that I didn't understand. I didn't even realize it was there! My life seemed as if it was entering a very dark chasm. I also began to know when girls were pregnant before they had announced it and in certain times before they knew they were pregnant. I believed for awhile that it was a forewarning from the Holy Spirit so I could try to deal with this news before it was delivered to me by the person.

I hit rock bottom when I discovered a friend of mine was pregnant. Her and her husband were married only a few short months when they found out they had conceived. Their plan was to have children in approximately 5 years. I became so angry that one day at my girl's small group my mind was clouded and I could hardly communicate with people. I had to leave as soon as possible before I said something that I would regret. 

When I got home I was boiling and I literally boiled over on my husband! He happened to be working an overnight shift that night and when I arrived at the house he was about ready to head out for his shift that night. I don't know how it happened, it just did, but everything that had been stuffed down inside came out on him. I screamed and yelled and accused and said awful, hurtful things. He just nodded, said nothing, and went to work.

I flung myself on the couch and began weeping bitterly. I hurt on the inside and outside. I began to cry out to God about my situation, just sharing my hurt and pain and disappointment. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a bright light, as soon as I turned my head it was gone. Immediately following, an immense peace filled the room and it filled me. I felt in my spirit a love that can't be explained.

This was the beginning of my healing. 

Our Story: Pt 1

The intent of this blog is to be able to bless and walk with women who have been struggling with conceiving. This is not an easy road to walk and there are so many women out there who are walking it alone. I feel that I should start with my own story.

 

My husband and I have been married for a little over six years. May 20, 2006 was the beginning of marriage for us. When we were first married we knew that someday we wanted to have kids but "not right now." This is so common among couples and can be a very healthy decision. It gives you the ability to be a married couple without the distraction of children.

Within a couple of months of marriage we had good reason to believe that this plan may not have worked out to our liking… But then, we were 'delightfully' surprised to find that we were wrong. You see, my cycles used to be like clockwork. I could tell you the day and almost the time that they would start. So, when you're a day or two or three late, that's not normal. The first time this happened was July of 2006. It happened again in August, only this time my cycle went longer. Then again in September. In September my cycle never started at all. In fact, I thought for sure we were pregnant even though every pregnancy test was a negative!

As the months went by and we kept thinking we were pregnant, our brains started processing the idea of actually having children and what it would mean. Our hearts started changing to the idea that we might actually like to have children sooner rather than later. If you've never been in this place, you won't understand. This plays with your thoughts and your heart. It makes you evaluate your life and when you look at each life as a blessing and a miracle, you realize that if you had one of these little blessings, your life would be even more blessed even if it wasn't what you had originally planned.

We decided that we should go to the doctor when October arrived and my cycle hadn't come to a close… I went in to the Gynecologist and they ordered blood work. This came back negative to pregnancy. Which then led everyone to wonder what was really going on.

My doctor noticed from the blood work that my hormones were off and they were possibly indicating Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So she decided an ultrasound was in order. When that was complete, it was confirmed that I did, without a doubt, have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

When I received a phone call that the test results were back and that the doctor would like to see me again, I scheduled the appointment. When I arrived and my doctor came in, she was surprised to see me because I didn't have questions. I was surprised she wasn't telling me what I was supposed to be doing now about this diagnoses. The one question my doctor did ask was if we wanted to try and have kids. With that, we were given the following options:

If yes, you would go on Metformin.

If no, you would go on birth control.

I was not told how I came to have PCOS, what causes it, how to get rid of (if that is even an option), or any information about the meds I was being offered. Simply, 'this drug or this drug'.

Now, I have to put a disclaimer in here. To the credit of the doctor, at that time, there truly was not a lot of information available on PCOS. At least this was my understanding.

By this time, Jason and I had decided that we did want to try to have kids. But it was a very laid back decision. More or less, if it happens it happens. We never suspected that the road we were just beginning to walk was going to be a very long and painful walk. This is a journey that I truly wish no soul would ever have to bear.

On the positive side, we have been through so many things that I would never replace in my wildest dreams! I have learned things and experienced things I never would have been able to without this journey. In the end, this is still my journey. One that God can make into something beautiful. Out of ashes and pain, He makes beautiful things.

Is grace a choice?

Is grace a choice? By this I mean, when we say things like "the grace to continue in this position has lifted" or "I just don't have the grace to do that" or to treat someone a certain way. Does that mean we have the choice to extend grace? Yes, I think it does. 

I believe that we have a choice to extend grace wherever we need to. The Bible says that God's "grace is sufficient for us" (2 Cor. 12:9). It's not our grace that we give out, it's God's. And we have it because He's given it to us freely. So truthfully, although God may have called us in a different direction, to a new job, or to deal with someone we don't prefer, it's merely a choice to have a bad attitude, or to treat someone badly. All we have to do is ask God to help us, to give us strength and courage to rise up and extend His grace in places that need it. It's not just for other people, it's for our benefit as well. 

When things don't go the way you expect them to, it's not the time to act like a child and throw a temper tantrum. It's time to go to God and be quiet and ask Him to show you what's going on. He is a Daddy that will give you peace and maybe even a clear answer... or He'll ask you to trust Him and to wait patiently while He shows you each step to take. The result is integrity and character and a reward of being able to show love in ways you never thought were possible.

The fact is, God has extended grace so freely to us through His son that we are super selfish when we don't extend that to others ourselves. It certainly doesn't make it easy all the time, but that's where prayer and meditating on the Word are pertinent. It softens the roughest edges and sweetens the bitterest of words. It makes pure the dirtiest of thoughts and intentions. It cleans, challenges and refines us. This is how God disciplines and takes care of His children. Proverbs tells us that God disciplines those He loves (Proverbs 3:12).

When you make a mistake, realize that discipline will come, but it's always gentle and never condemning when it's from God. He will point it out and surely it's not comfortable, but repentance is always the solution and He's always waiting with open arms for us to keep moving forward.

What an awesome God we serve that we don't have to live hard, mean lives. We can love and make mistakes and learn from them and move on. God is so good and so loving. He has never left us and never will. His grace is daily sufficient for us, and it's more than enough to pass out to others in all situations.