It just is... So choose grace.

Recently our friends came over because they had a family emergency out of state and needed a dog sitter... We were happy to help! It's kinda fun and maybe a little weird to have another dog in the house, but mostly fun, I think.  

During their short visit, while dropping off the dog, they shared news of their pregnancy. Wonderful, glorious news that needs to be celebrated! Especially since conception was likely to be difficult for them.

The thing I've noticed though is this:

It never gets easier to hear it. Every time it's like a bomb is dropped on my heart. A flicker of sadness, maybe a glimpse at despair. Frustration, perhaps?

But there's always this:

Joy. Joy for life. Joy that they didn't have to go through what we've been through and are still going through.

My heart breaks every time and it over flows with joy every time. I usually end up an emotional wreck but you'd never see it. How one can carry and experience both emotions at the same time, I have no idea. But it's true. So true.

It hurts. My heart literally aches and the question always comes, "why not me?" I have no answers, no reasons why we are 8 years childless. No answers why our arms are empty and why we've cried so many tears.

Sure, most of the time I'm quite content, but there is this place in my heart that will never be fulfilled until I am a mother here on earth. It's a void of sadness and pain. It's a reminder of what I don't have, of the two children in heaven and not here.

My heart aches with sadness and joy. Happiness and pain.

And the thing that I've found to be true is to be graceful through it. People care and they care enough to struggle to tell you because they don't want to hurt you... People are still full of love and compassion and it moves me so when they cry tears or struggle to tell me their joyous news because they know the ache in my heart.

Oh, but I want to celebrate! 

Through my pain and suffering and tears, I want to celebrate the life that is! 

My heart may ache, my eyes may not stay dry, but I want to love you. I want to celebrate with you.

I wish so much sometimes I didn't have to experience this pain, this struggle. But then I remember that I wouldn't be who I am without it. And I remember that through the fire, through the battle, through the weakness, God shines brighter. And I see that I am so much closer to Him for it.

So, I know I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I am stirred with emotion on days like today. My heart aches and leaps for joy at the same time. And through it all I have learned that while we don't have explanation for prayers seemingly unanswered, we know God has not left us. 

I choose to live my days, day by day. I want to love fully and not miss a single moment of my life. There's so much in this world to explore, so many people to meet, so much adventure to be had. I don't want to look back and realize I waited and waited and let life pass me by.

So I won't. I refuse.

God knows best how to take care of me. He knows my hearts desires and He knows above all else my desire is to serve Him.

I am not alone. I am loved. I am not forgotten. 

A Journey: Hashimoto's

I have Hashimoto's.

There. I said it.

The ugly truth... The words I never wanted to say. The reality I've been ignoring for 2 1/2 years.

What is Hashimoto's, you say? It's an autoimmune disease where your own immune system attacks your thyroid. Yay! Not... Sorry for the sarcasm but I try to make light of the fact that I have this... It's been quite the adventure, and I say that honestly. This really has been an adventure.

In the fall of 2011, when I came home from my first trip to Brazil, I did not feel like myself. I felt... Off. I'm not sure how to describe it really, maybe tired, brain fog, depressed? But not in large amounts. Just enough to annoy you and make you realize something is wrong. So, I went to the doctor. He has the clever idea to test my thyroid, but not just my thyroid, my antibodies as well. This is a key factor in autoimmune disease. Sure enough, it came back positive. But the numbers were just barely into positive that I really didn't accept this as truth.

My doctor got me on a program that helped me get my energy back and I started feeling pretty awesome. I was at my best in physical fitness and I felt amazing... And heck, I looked pretty awesome! But... I got cocky. I decided that sourdough bread was the next best thing in life and so was cheese... And together?? Oh. My. Word. Can I get an amen? And then life was sort of turned upside down with some unfortunate events in life. It became utterly stressful and disheartening during the months of May and September 2012. And in August of 2012, while cross-training, I injured my neck quite badly.

I had no idea that all of this was wreaking long-term damage to my body. How could I know that? How could I know that the extreme exhaustion I was feeling was because my body was attacking itself? Or the depression I was in was because my hormones were out of whack because of the damage being done? How could I know that the brain fog, lack of memory, and poor focus were due to the hormone imbalances and immune responses because I was eating food that was damaging my body? Or that the stress I was going through was beating up my adrenals which are so intricately bound to the function of the thyroid; therefore causing even more damage and symptoms of a problem I was ignoring? How could I know? And why did I ignore it?

Here's why. I didn't know because I had no idea all of this was related. And I ignored it because I didn't want it as my truth. I didn't want to accept it and I didn't want to claim it on my body. So I ignored it. But it didn't go away, it got worse.

As time went on, I became so tired and depressed that I had no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I truly didn't care about anything and I felt like a shell. I would cry and I had no idea why. I couldn't remember things and I couldn't stay focused. Projects barely got done if they got done at all. And while I was very aware of what was happening, I had no idea why it was happening or how to fix it.

I began to lose my resolve for things, simply because I had no hope. I didn't know what to do. And honestly, I don't really recall a single friend calling or texting to check up on me. I was broken. So broken. And I just kept falling apart.

I do realize how dramatic this sounds, and certainly you don't have to believe it, but I want to give the most accurate picture of what it was like in my head and body. This was a dark time for me. Painful and discouraging. I would try to read my Bible but it was just jibberish to me because I couldn't make sense of what was on the page. This was more frustrating and disheartening.

But God doesn't leave us. And I'm certain that someone was praying for me because every now and again I would feel a flicker of hope. A little glimpse of happy and lovely. And in those moments I knew I would make it out of this, I knew I wasn't going to stay here.

I began to research Hashimoto's more and learn as much as I could. I began to put pieces together and as I did I began to hope a little more. The more I learned the more I realized that the only way to address this problem was to accept it as real and realize I don't have to keep it. In fact, I felt very much that God was speaking that to me. You don't have to keep it, but you need to address it.

I then discovered and admitted that I was eating my way into problems. Mind you, I eat healthy. But I was, daily, eating foods that trigger an immune response. These enter the blood stream through microscopic holes in the lining of your intestines (aka leaky gut). They cause an immune response in your body... Your immune system has created an antibody that attacks these foods and in process attacks something else in your body. In my case, the thyroid.

Jason and I decided to start cutting the known reactors from my diet. And we started testing everything... Soon enough I had a list a mile long (it seemed) of foods that caused me to feel yucky in some way. The less of these foods I ate, the better I felt.

I keep getting better too. More of brain is coming back, I require less sleep, I have energy, and I'm happy again. It's priceless to me and I don't miss these foods because I feel good. But it also means I have energy to do what I love, and one of those is run.

I still have quite a road to walk, but I'm ready for it. And I have no intentions of keeping Hashimoto's. I believe with all my heart God will heal me. But I've got to walk this out...and so I will.

We are not forsaken, we are loved. Even in the darkest places, we are not alone. 

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." -Psalm 62:5

It's All About Love (Part 2)

As the trip continued on we began to see more miracles, more healings, more deliverance. God continued to move as we pressed in, people were getting saved and they were having radical encounters with God, the kind that change you forever.

On one particular night, I went to service and noticed a girl in the hard of hearing section; as soon as I laid eyes on her, I knew she would be healed (a word of knowledge). When they released us to pray, I prayed for many individuals but had forgotten about the girl. I saw her again, and I knew I had to pray for her. As I prayed, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to pray His love over her... So I did. She told me that she had a little improvement... Wait, what?? This girl was born deaf in her left ear and you're telling me that you can hear... a little bit? HOLD THE PHONE. I could not believe it, and yet, wasn't that what I was asking for? Life lesson 101...

Never doubt God when you've asked for something that's in line with His word...

Excited hit me as I realized that God was moving. We continued to pray and we commanded (gently) that the ear open and come into alignment with the Word of God. We spoke to each part of the ear, all the little details... With a little more love and a little authority, wouldn't you know it, the ear opened to 90%. What?? That's right, she looked at me and told me she could hear! I was stunned. I was excited. I was a lot of things.

Global Awakening actually documents healings like this by recording the testimony and testing the healing. So, we asked her to plug her good ear and we spoke softly to the previously bad ear. First very close, and she was to repeat what we said, then farther away. We continued to move away and each time she heard us, it was a miracle! God had truly opened this girl's ear, and all because He loves her.

I was profoundly impacted by this move of God. All I could think about was how much He loves us... He truly loves us. And this love is deeper and wider than we could ever possibly comprehend. It reminds me of the children's song we used to sing in Sunday School:

Deep and wide

Deep and wide

There's a fountain flowing deep and wide

Deep and wide

Deep and wide

There's a fountain flowing deep and wide

His love is deep and wide, it's fountain flowing deep and wide over us and through us. It never stops. You can't even build a dam to stop it. I began to see this and let me tell you, when you see this and begin to feel this, you begin to be changed in a way that will never allow you to go back. Ever.

Take a moment to ponder God's love for you. I know that our circumstances very often can lead us to the place where we don't see the love or feel the love... But it doesn't mean it's not there. This is what hit me so deeply. My circumstances don't determine God's love for me, ever. His love is unconditional, His love covers a my sin, His love is always there.

I encourage you to just sit for a moment and ask God to show you a picture of His love. Close your eyes and let Him in... He's waiting for you.

"For you bless the godly, O Lord; you surround them with your shield of love."

Psalm 5:12 

An adventure awaits...

I think it's time I write about my adventure to Brazil. Earlier this year I felt that God told me it was time to go back. As excited as I was to return, there were many things in my life that needed to be arranged so that I could return. Things I had no control over and God would have to arrange. As I sought the direction of my Papa and His desires for my life, He guided me and took care of the things that were on my heart…..

In June I was so torn, desiring to go and desiring to not miss the birth of my nephew (who's due date was during the trip). I prayed specifically about this and felt impressed that I was to go and trust God that I would not miss this event. He also directed me that I should sell my artisan foods to raise the money to go. So, in one fell swoop, I made the decision. My hubby and I arranged a menu that I felt I could manage and I made the announcement.

The fundraising happened so fast… Faster than I could have possibly imagined! In fact, it made life a little crazy for about 3 1/2 weeks; but God is faithful. The money came in, and of course it came in abundance because we serve a God of abundance who does things "exceedingly abundantly above all we could ask or think." As I continued to prepare for the trip, God continued to provide everything I could possibly need.

On September 4, I received a phone call that my sister was in labor. On September 5, I had the privilege of being present at my nephew's birth. God has such a way of taking care of the details. It was such a beautiful experience, and I am so thankful for the opportunity.

On September 26, I boarded the plane and left for Brazil. Travel was wonderful, which is a blessing… Those who travel know this information. Everything was on time (amazing), in fact, it was early! We arrived to Brazil Friday morning and my heart was filled with love and expectancy. It's almost as if you know something amazing is about to happen or someone told you they have this extravagant gift for you, but they can't tell you what it is.

Through exhaustion (because traveling wears you out), we battled the traffic of São Paulo, which is truly a battle... At least of your patience! Nothing like three hours to travel 10-15 miles... That'll challenge you. We had lunch at the Churrascuria and headed to the hotel... But alas, São Paulo traffic!

As the evening became a challenge to your patience and to keep your joy through exhaustion, God, again, did amazing and unspeakable things! As people were healed through words of knowledge, faith built and the most amazing miracle of all, salvation, was received by many! The night was definitely not a waste and we were re-energized by the Holy Spirit.

As the trip continued, people were touched in magnificent ways. People getting up out of wheel chairs that had never walked before in their lives, blind eyes seeing, deaf ears hearing, everything that the Bible says, everything Jesus commanded.

"Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give."

Matthew 10:8

My heart was impacted and changed so profoundly on this trip. I went this time a completely different person than the last time... How could I not? The longer you serve God, the more deeply changed you become. But also having been through certain events over the course of the two years that significantly changed me, I realized that I would view this trip differently.

In the beginning of this year, I really felt impressed that I needed to study God's love in the Bible. In fact, I felt very clear instructions on how I was to do this. As I pressed in and followed the direction, I was expecting this big extravagant change to happen in my heart... and yet only a minor outward change occurred. I was mildly disappointed... But let me remind you that God is faithful and He never leaves His children empty-handed.

This trip brought that study full-circle. One of the very first nights of ministry, I was approached by a girl, 22 years of age. She was suffering from failed kidneys and was on dialysis and awaiting a transplant. She was dying and could not receive a transplant without first getting well enough to have surgery. I felt at such a loss, how was I, a young woman with a seemingly "perfect" life supposed to help this girl who is fighting for hers? At that moment, a very real change began to occur in me. I began to pray for her and I heard the Holy Spirit tell me, "Show her My love and hug her." I was surprised, but obediently, I asked to hug her... She agreed and as soon as I did, she began to weep and hold on tighter. I began to pray over her the sweet things I heard the Spirit saying about her, I prayed the love of Jesus on her and spoke life into her body. After probably ten minutes of hugging, I asked how she was feeling. When I looked at her face I saw something was different, maybe a joy or renewed hope, or both? She had begun to glow and I imagine that it was the love of God. She told me that her insides were on fire! Yeah God!

I wish I could tell you that she was healed... But I really don't know what happened after that. She walked out of the church with a spring in her step and if nothing else a new knowing of the love that God has for her. I believe that God did something amazing that night in her body, but I know He did something in her heart. He definitely did something in mine. I began to see that God is love... Just like His word says, and I began to experience that in a new way.

"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds."

Psalm 36:5

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."

Psalm 36:7

The Beauty of Marriage

As we left the doctor's office, I felt a cloud of disappointment start to settle it's ugly face around me. It arrived and sneered at me while the doctor was talking. I heard the words he had to say, but what I heard even louder was, "you can't get pregnant on your own and succeed." As tears were fighting to come out in droves, I fought back to keep my composure and hear the only words I never wanted to hear, "the only way we can help you, and give you a 55% chance of taking a baby home, is IVF".

My heart sank. There are no words. Every question I had thought of prior to this appointment had disappeared, melted away. As the reality set in that the problem didn't actually have anything to do with me, but was entirely on Male Factor Infertility, I became angry. For what reason? Many. Too much to even break down right now. Too many things to even have sorted through it all myself.

The day was a whirlwind. Being fully present at my nephew's birth... A miracle. An experience I would never trade the world for... And an appointment filled with disappointment and letdown.

 

 

My heart has ached ever since. No, I have nothing against IVF or any other fertility treatment. It's just not the route we ever wanted to take. We have never stopped believing that God will provide us with a baby. We have just always believed it would be without assistance... and IVF is expensive.

So, here we are... Waiting, and my heart is aching in a new way. On Monday, Jason and I sat down in the living room and I poured out my heart. I poured out all the aches and pains and everything that made me angry. I talked about my disappointment and my fears... And I cried. And then Jason did the most amazing thing, something I never expected.

He looked at me and said, "I'm not worried about it. I really believe that we'll be pregnant soon."

He was so confident, cool, and collected. It was like he had an insider look at the future; he read tomorrow's paper. His words impacted me to my core. In my struggle and pain, my spouse, my husband, has confidence in God's Word. He spoke truth, the truth of the promise. He spoke it with calm confidence and a knowing.

This confidence, this faith, this is what gives me hope right now. This is the beauty of marriage. When one is down, the other is up. It's a beautiful thing, a harmonious melody.

 

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT)

Marriage is not easy, but oh is it worth it. We go through life and sometimes, it sucks. But when we can go through it together we can pick each other up. We can hold each other's hands. We can laugh together and cry together. We can remind each other of the promises. Marriage is always work and it's work from both sides. There's always decisions to make about forgiveness, or keeping your mouth closed to keep the peace; or listening when they're hurting, or laughing when you share joy. But this is what God created marriage for... a bond meant for a lifetime, a covenant meant to be an example of a coming King for His bride. A way to demonstrate God's love for us.

I am so thankful for my man. Someday we'll be sharing in the joy of children (and yes, the trials and difficulties too), and I'm so thankful we get to do that together. I'm so thankful that we can walk this road, though painful, together. I'm so thankful that no matter where we end up, even if it's not what my brain pictures, that we'll be together.

My heart is filled with joy and hope, my heart is filled with Eucharisteo (the giving of thanks, thankfulness).

Marriage is a beautiful thing.

Here we go!

We started out our testing right away last week. We don't waste time... *wink wink. I had blood work done and Jason did the "manly" test... Ummm... If you know what I mean. Thursday is the day for the HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test. Learn more here.

This is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. They use a dye to allow pictures to be taken to observe if there are any problems, i.e. blockages, scarring, etc. This test will allow them to see if everything can move the way it's supposed to, implant when it needs to, and that eggs are producing and healthy.

This is a pretty tell-all test here. I know this may sound weird, but I'm seriously praying that they find SOMETHING and that, SOMETHING, is super-easily fixable. This means, we would have ANSWERS and could MOVE FORWARD.

Monday we have an ultrasound to check the rest... I don't know what, specifically, they're looking for in that test. But here's the prayers we could use:

-Peace. I'm still a little nervous, peaceful, but nervous. I've never been one to get excited about going to the doctor!

-Results. I'd really like to find something.

-Simple solution. Whatever they find, it's a simple solution.

-Wisdom for us and the doctors... They need to recommend the right answers and make a correct diagnoses!

In the last week God has really shown me a new perspective. I'm learning to look at this as an opportunity instead of a burden. I'm beginning to see that this is a door, that, while I may not understand, is being used by God. I've had the amazing opportunity to meet people I never would have, and experience a new level of pursuit. Listening to God and not walking in shame; it gives one a new lease on life! There is freedom in this place!!

I believe that I serve a God who finishes what He starts and never leaves a promise undone. We have chosen to walk this road and we know that we don't walk it alone. 

I share with you because I hope to encourage you and also inspire you to not be hidden in shame. God uses many different avenues and usually not the ones we expect! Don't be afraid. God is with you and He goes before you preparing the way. Continue to listen to His voice, study the Word, and use discernment and wisdom when making choices. But never be afraid to step out and try something that God has put on your heart.... Never.

Love you all and appreciate you with reckless abandon!

No Shame. A Season of Life.

So, here it is.... An update to a life-decision I never wanted to have to make. I truly, with all my heart, had hoped and believed that we would conceive and carry to term a healthy baby, without the help of doctors. I have nothing against doctors, and I want to make that clear. But it's a fine line when you're believing for something, to go that route.

 

This is the battle: to believe fully in what God is doing and will continue to do, and finish, and walk out the steps you feel you should be taking, especially when they don't line up with what you had in your mind's eye.
 

I stand here today, telling you that I never thought we would go to a fertility specialist. I never imagined that this would be the route we had peace to travel down. I want you to know that this has taken a LONG time to decide upon, and this is why: shame. Pure and simple. I felt shame for even thinking that this would be an option, I felt that my faith wasn't "strong enough" or "big enough" or whatever words you might want to insert there if we decided to "get help". I felt a lot of things, anger, sadness, frustration, pain. 

 

To those of you who have never walked this road, I love you, but I don't think you understand what this feels like. To those of you who have walked this road, yes, I need your encouragement. I am not strong enough on my own to go through this. God does, in fact, give us peace and strength to walk the roads He asks of us; He also doesn't leave us alone. But we have each other to encourage and go through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
 

The decision to go see the doctor was made after much prayer and counsel. This does not mean that we have stopped believing God to provide. I KNOW without a doubt that every conception is still a miracle by the hands of God. It's still up to Him when we conceive. I've considered this long and hard.... But I rest here: It's okay to have a doctor check everything out, it's okay to run some tests and make sure everything is working correctly. If it's not, it's okay to get help. God heals in different ways. Sometimes He chooses the instant miracle like the woman who touched Jesus. Sometimes He has us take steps that don't make sense, but require faith and obedience, just like Namaan who had to wash himself in the dirty river seven times to be healed.
 

We are walking in peace. I choose to not be shameful about this decision and although I may not understand why I feel led to go this route, I'm choosing to be obedient. Yes, it's a little scary because I have no idea what may be involved. Yes, we're going through A LOT of testing for the next few weeks. Yes, we're believing for good reports and simple answers. Yes, we're believing that we'll conceive and carry TO TERM a HEALTHY baby. Yes, I need you to pray for us. Yes, I may need you to sit and cry with me while I process and rest in the fact that God is still God. Yes, I am emotional even though I'm peaceful.
 

This is a battle between my expectations and plans and aligning to what God's plans are. Readjusting your state of mind is usually the most difficult of things to do. I don't try to understand what God is doing, I know He'll show me as it plays out and it's time to know.

So, here's what you can pray for:
 

1. That we would continue to clearly hear God's voice and walk in His leading.

2. Good reports for all testing.

3. Simple answers. (We're really believing that we won't need IVF)

4. Conception of healthy children carried to term.

5. Peace.

 

I know this may be hard to understand for some, and truthfully, I'm still processing. What we need is support and love, not condemnation. We appreciate every single one of you. We love you! If you want to know more details about what we're going through right now, just ask! But know that I will continue to write our story as we go through this. My deepest intentions of having our life laid out like this is to hopefully encourage people. I want to be transparent with you about my feelings, thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. I feel this is how deep community is born.

 

Today we declare the end from the beginning: a quiver full of arrows, or, a house full of children!