It just is... So choose grace.

Recently our friends came over because they had a family emergency out of state and needed a dog sitter... We were happy to help! It's kinda fun and maybe a little weird to have another dog in the house, but mostly fun, I think.  

During their short visit, while dropping off the dog, they shared news of their pregnancy. Wonderful, glorious news that needs to be celebrated! Especially since conception was likely to be difficult for them.

The thing I've noticed though is this:

It never gets easier to hear it. Every time it's like a bomb is dropped on my heart. A flicker of sadness, maybe a glimpse at despair. Frustration, perhaps?

But there's always this:

Joy. Joy for life. Joy that they didn't have to go through what we've been through and are still going through.

My heart breaks every time and it over flows with joy every time. I usually end up an emotional wreck but you'd never see it. How one can carry and experience both emotions at the same time, I have no idea. But it's true. So true.

It hurts. My heart literally aches and the question always comes, "why not me?" I have no answers, no reasons why we are 8 years childless. No answers why our arms are empty and why we've cried so many tears.

Sure, most of the time I'm quite content, but there is this place in my heart that will never be fulfilled until I am a mother here on earth. It's a void of sadness and pain. It's a reminder of what I don't have, of the two children in heaven and not here.

My heart aches with sadness and joy. Happiness and pain.

And the thing that I've found to be true is to be graceful through it. People care and they care enough to struggle to tell you because they don't want to hurt you... People are still full of love and compassion and it moves me so when they cry tears or struggle to tell me their joyous news because they know the ache in my heart.

Oh, but I want to celebrate! 

Through my pain and suffering and tears, I want to celebrate the life that is! 

My heart may ache, my eyes may not stay dry, but I want to love you. I want to celebrate with you.

I wish so much sometimes I didn't have to experience this pain, this struggle. But then I remember that I wouldn't be who I am without it. And I remember that through the fire, through the battle, through the weakness, God shines brighter. And I see that I am so much closer to Him for it.

So, I know I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I am stirred with emotion on days like today. My heart aches and leaps for joy at the same time. And through it all I have learned that while we don't have explanation for prayers seemingly unanswered, we know God has not left us. 

I choose to live my days, day by day. I want to love fully and not miss a single moment of my life. There's so much in this world to explore, so many people to meet, so much adventure to be had. I don't want to look back and realize I waited and waited and let life pass me by.

So I won't. I refuse.

God knows best how to take care of me. He knows my hearts desires and He knows above all else my desire is to serve Him.

I am not alone. I am loved. I am not forgotten. 

A Journey: Hashimoto's

I have Hashimoto's.

There. I said it.

The ugly truth... The words I never wanted to say. The reality I've been ignoring for 2 1/2 years.

What is Hashimoto's, you say? It's an autoimmune disease where your own immune system attacks your thyroid. Yay! Not... Sorry for the sarcasm but I try to make light of the fact that I have this... It's been quite the adventure, and I say that honestly. This really has been an adventure.

In the fall of 2011, when I came home from my first trip to Brazil, I did not feel like myself. I felt... Off. I'm not sure how to describe it really, maybe tired, brain fog, depressed? But not in large amounts. Just enough to annoy you and make you realize something is wrong. So, I went to the doctor. He has the clever idea to test my thyroid, but not just my thyroid, my antibodies as well. This is a key factor in autoimmune disease. Sure enough, it came back positive. But the numbers were just barely into positive that I really didn't accept this as truth.

My doctor got me on a program that helped me get my energy back and I started feeling pretty awesome. I was at my best in physical fitness and I felt amazing... And heck, I looked pretty awesome! But... I got cocky. I decided that sourdough bread was the next best thing in life and so was cheese... And together?? Oh. My. Word. Can I get an amen? And then life was sort of turned upside down with some unfortunate events in life. It became utterly stressful and disheartening during the months of May and September 2012. And in August of 2012, while cross-training, I injured my neck quite badly.

I had no idea that all of this was wreaking long-term damage to my body. How could I know that? How could I know that the extreme exhaustion I was feeling was because my body was attacking itself? Or the depression I was in was because my hormones were out of whack because of the damage being done? How could I know that the brain fog, lack of memory, and poor focus were due to the hormone imbalances and immune responses because I was eating food that was damaging my body? Or that the stress I was going through was beating up my adrenals which are so intricately bound to the function of the thyroid; therefore causing even more damage and symptoms of a problem I was ignoring? How could I know? And why did I ignore it?

Here's why. I didn't know because I had no idea all of this was related. And I ignored it because I didn't want it as my truth. I didn't want to accept it and I didn't want to claim it on my body. So I ignored it. But it didn't go away, it got worse.

As time went on, I became so tired and depressed that I had no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I truly didn't care about anything and I felt like a shell. I would cry and I had no idea why. I couldn't remember things and I couldn't stay focused. Projects barely got done if they got done at all. And while I was very aware of what was happening, I had no idea why it was happening or how to fix it.

I began to lose my resolve for things, simply because I had no hope. I didn't know what to do. And honestly, I don't really recall a single friend calling or texting to check up on me. I was broken. So broken. And I just kept falling apart.

I do realize how dramatic this sounds, and certainly you don't have to believe it, but I want to give the most accurate picture of what it was like in my head and body. This was a dark time for me. Painful and discouraging. I would try to read my Bible but it was just jibberish to me because I couldn't make sense of what was on the page. This was more frustrating and disheartening.

But God doesn't leave us. And I'm certain that someone was praying for me because every now and again I would feel a flicker of hope. A little glimpse of happy and lovely. And in those moments I knew I would make it out of this, I knew I wasn't going to stay here.

I began to research Hashimoto's more and learn as much as I could. I began to put pieces together and as I did I began to hope a little more. The more I learned the more I realized that the only way to address this problem was to accept it as real and realize I don't have to keep it. In fact, I felt very much that God was speaking that to me. You don't have to keep it, but you need to address it.

I then discovered and admitted that I was eating my way into problems. Mind you, I eat healthy. But I was, daily, eating foods that trigger an immune response. These enter the blood stream through microscopic holes in the lining of your intestines (aka leaky gut). They cause an immune response in your body... Your immune system has created an antibody that attacks these foods and in process attacks something else in your body. In my case, the thyroid.

Jason and I decided to start cutting the known reactors from my diet. And we started testing everything... Soon enough I had a list a mile long (it seemed) of foods that caused me to feel yucky in some way. The less of these foods I ate, the better I felt.

I keep getting better too. More of brain is coming back, I require less sleep, I have energy, and I'm happy again. It's priceless to me and I don't miss these foods because I feel good. But it also means I have energy to do what I love, and one of those is run.

I still have quite a road to walk, but I'm ready for it. And I have no intentions of keeping Hashimoto's. I believe with all my heart God will heal me. But I've got to walk this out...and so I will.

We are not forsaken, we are loved. Even in the darkest places, we are not alone. 

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." -Psalm 62:5