Here we go!

We started out our testing right away last week. We don't waste time... *wink wink. I had blood work done and Jason did the "manly" test... Ummm... If you know what I mean. Thursday is the day for the HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test. Learn more here.

This is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. They use a dye to allow pictures to be taken to observe if there are any problems, i.e. blockages, scarring, etc. This test will allow them to see if everything can move the way it's supposed to, implant when it needs to, and that eggs are producing and healthy.

This is a pretty tell-all test here. I know this may sound weird, but I'm seriously praying that they find SOMETHING and that, SOMETHING, is super-easily fixable. This means, we would have ANSWERS and could MOVE FORWARD.

Monday we have an ultrasound to check the rest... I don't know what, specifically, they're looking for in that test. But here's the prayers we could use:

-Peace. I'm still a little nervous, peaceful, but nervous. I've never been one to get excited about going to the doctor!

-Results. I'd really like to find something.

-Simple solution. Whatever they find, it's a simple solution.

-Wisdom for us and the doctors... They need to recommend the right answers and make a correct diagnoses!

In the last week God has really shown me a new perspective. I'm learning to look at this as an opportunity instead of a burden. I'm beginning to see that this is a door, that, while I may not understand, is being used by God. I've had the amazing opportunity to meet people I never would have, and experience a new level of pursuit. Listening to God and not walking in shame; it gives one a new lease on life! There is freedom in this place!!

I believe that I serve a God who finishes what He starts and never leaves a promise undone. We have chosen to walk this road and we know that we don't walk it alone. 

I share with you because I hope to encourage you and also inspire you to not be hidden in shame. God uses many different avenues and usually not the ones we expect! Don't be afraid. God is with you and He goes before you preparing the way. Continue to listen to His voice, study the Word, and use discernment and wisdom when making choices. But never be afraid to step out and try something that God has put on your heart.... Never.

Love you all and appreciate you with reckless abandon!

No Shame. A Season of Life.

So, here it is.... An update to a life-decision I never wanted to have to make. I truly, with all my heart, had hoped and believed that we would conceive and carry to term a healthy baby, without the help of doctors. I have nothing against doctors, and I want to make that clear. But it's a fine line when you're believing for something, to go that route.

 

This is the battle: to believe fully in what God is doing and will continue to do, and finish, and walk out the steps you feel you should be taking, especially when they don't line up with what you had in your mind's eye.
 

I stand here today, telling you that I never thought we would go to a fertility specialist. I never imagined that this would be the route we had peace to travel down. I want you to know that this has taken a LONG time to decide upon, and this is why: shame. Pure and simple. I felt shame for even thinking that this would be an option, I felt that my faith wasn't "strong enough" or "big enough" or whatever words you might want to insert there if we decided to "get help". I felt a lot of things, anger, sadness, frustration, pain. 

 

To those of you who have never walked this road, I love you, but I don't think you understand what this feels like. To those of you who have walked this road, yes, I need your encouragement. I am not strong enough on my own to go through this. God does, in fact, give us peace and strength to walk the roads He asks of us; He also doesn't leave us alone. But we have each other to encourage and go through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
 

The decision to go see the doctor was made after much prayer and counsel. This does not mean that we have stopped believing God to provide. I KNOW without a doubt that every conception is still a miracle by the hands of God. It's still up to Him when we conceive. I've considered this long and hard.... But I rest here: It's okay to have a doctor check everything out, it's okay to run some tests and make sure everything is working correctly. If it's not, it's okay to get help. God heals in different ways. Sometimes He chooses the instant miracle like the woman who touched Jesus. Sometimes He has us take steps that don't make sense, but require faith and obedience, just like Namaan who had to wash himself in the dirty river seven times to be healed.
 

We are walking in peace. I choose to not be shameful about this decision and although I may not understand why I feel led to go this route, I'm choosing to be obedient. Yes, it's a little scary because I have no idea what may be involved. Yes, we're going through A LOT of testing for the next few weeks. Yes, we're believing for good reports and simple answers. Yes, we're believing that we'll conceive and carry TO TERM a HEALTHY baby. Yes, I need you to pray for us. Yes, I may need you to sit and cry with me while I process and rest in the fact that God is still God. Yes, I am emotional even though I'm peaceful.
 

This is a battle between my expectations and plans and aligning to what God's plans are. Readjusting your state of mind is usually the most difficult of things to do. I don't try to understand what God is doing, I know He'll show me as it plays out and it's time to know.

So, here's what you can pray for:
 

1. That we would continue to clearly hear God's voice and walk in His leading.

2. Good reports for all testing.

3. Simple answers. (We're really believing that we won't need IVF)

4. Conception of healthy children carried to term.

5. Peace.

 

I know this may be hard to understand for some, and truthfully, I'm still processing. What we need is support and love, not condemnation. We appreciate every single one of you. We love you! If you want to know more details about what we're going through right now, just ask! But know that I will continue to write our story as we go through this. My deepest intentions of having our life laid out like this is to hopefully encourage people. I want to be transparent with you about my feelings, thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. I feel this is how deep community is born.

 

Today we declare the end from the beginning: a quiver full of arrows, or, a house full of children!