Recently our friends came over because they had a family emergency out of state and needed a dog sitter... We were happy to help! It's kinda fun and maybe a little weird to have another dog in the house, but mostly fun, I think.
During their short visit, while dropping off the dog, they shared news of their pregnancy. Wonderful, glorious news that needs to be celebrated! Especially since conception was likely to be difficult for them.
The thing I've noticed though is this:
It never gets easier to hear it. Every time it's like a bomb is dropped on my heart. A flicker of sadness, maybe a glimpse at despair. Frustration, perhaps?
But there's always this:
Joy. Joy for life. Joy that they didn't have to go through what we've been through and are still going through.
My heart breaks every time and it over flows with joy every time. I usually end up an emotional wreck but you'd never see it. How one can carry and experience both emotions at the same time, I have no idea. But it's true. So true.
It hurts. My heart literally aches and the question always comes, "why not me?" I have no answers, no reasons why we are 8 years childless. No answers why our arms are empty and why we've cried so many tears.
Sure, most of the time I'm quite content, but there is this place in my heart that will never be fulfilled until I am a mother here on earth. It's a void of sadness and pain. It's a reminder of what I don't have, of the two children in heaven and not here.
My heart aches with sadness and joy. Happiness and pain.
And the thing that I've found to be true is to be graceful through it. People care and they care enough to struggle to tell you because they don't want to hurt you... People are still full of love and compassion and it moves me so when they cry tears or struggle to tell me their joyous news because they know the ache in my heart.
Oh, but I want to celebrate!
Through my pain and suffering and tears, I want to celebrate the life that is!
My heart may ache, my eyes may not stay dry, but I want to love you. I want to celebrate with you.
I wish so much sometimes I didn't have to experience this pain, this struggle. But then I remember that I wouldn't be who I am without it. And I remember that through the fire, through the battle, through the weakness, God shines brighter. And I see that I am so much closer to Him for it.
So, I know I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I am stirred with emotion on days like today. My heart aches and leaps for joy at the same time. And through it all I have learned that while we don't have explanation for prayers seemingly unanswered, we know God has not left us.
I choose to live my days, day by day. I want to love fully and not miss a single moment of my life. There's so much in this world to explore, so many people to meet, so much adventure to be had. I don't want to look back and realize I waited and waited and let life pass me by.
So I won't. I refuse.
God knows best how to take care of me. He knows my hearts desires and He knows above all else my desire is to serve Him.
I am not alone. I am loved. I am not forgotten.
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