No Shame. A Season of Life.

So, here it is.... An update to a life-decision I never wanted to have to make. I truly, with all my heart, had hoped and believed that we would conceive and carry to term a healthy baby, without the help of doctors. I have nothing against doctors, and I want to make that clear. But it's a fine line when you're believing for something, to go that route.

 

This is the battle: to believe fully in what God is doing and will continue to do, and finish, and walk out the steps you feel you should be taking, especially when they don't line up with what you had in your mind's eye.
 

I stand here today, telling you that I never thought we would go to a fertility specialist. I never imagined that this would be the route we had peace to travel down. I want you to know that this has taken a LONG time to decide upon, and this is why: shame. Pure and simple. I felt shame for even thinking that this would be an option, I felt that my faith wasn't "strong enough" or "big enough" or whatever words you might want to insert there if we decided to "get help". I felt a lot of things, anger, sadness, frustration, pain. 

 

To those of you who have never walked this road, I love you, but I don't think you understand what this feels like. To those of you who have walked this road, yes, I need your encouragement. I am not strong enough on my own to go through this. God does, in fact, give us peace and strength to walk the roads He asks of us; He also doesn't leave us alone. But we have each other to encourage and go through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
 

The decision to go see the doctor was made after much prayer and counsel. This does not mean that we have stopped believing God to provide. I KNOW without a doubt that every conception is still a miracle by the hands of God. It's still up to Him when we conceive. I've considered this long and hard.... But I rest here: It's okay to have a doctor check everything out, it's okay to run some tests and make sure everything is working correctly. If it's not, it's okay to get help. God heals in different ways. Sometimes He chooses the instant miracle like the woman who touched Jesus. Sometimes He has us take steps that don't make sense, but require faith and obedience, just like Namaan who had to wash himself in the dirty river seven times to be healed.
 

We are walking in peace. I choose to not be shameful about this decision and although I may not understand why I feel led to go this route, I'm choosing to be obedient. Yes, it's a little scary because I have no idea what may be involved. Yes, we're going through A LOT of testing for the next few weeks. Yes, we're believing for good reports and simple answers. Yes, we're believing that we'll conceive and carry TO TERM a HEALTHY baby. Yes, I need you to pray for us. Yes, I may need you to sit and cry with me while I process and rest in the fact that God is still God. Yes, I am emotional even though I'm peaceful.
 

This is a battle between my expectations and plans and aligning to what God's plans are. Readjusting your state of mind is usually the most difficult of things to do. I don't try to understand what God is doing, I know He'll show me as it plays out and it's time to know.

So, here's what you can pray for:
 

1. That we would continue to clearly hear God's voice and walk in His leading.

2. Good reports for all testing.

3. Simple answers. (We're really believing that we won't need IVF)

4. Conception of healthy children carried to term.

5. Peace.

 

I know this may be hard to understand for some, and truthfully, I'm still processing. What we need is support and love, not condemnation. We appreciate every single one of you. We love you! If you want to know more details about what we're going through right now, just ask! But know that I will continue to write our story as we go through this. My deepest intentions of having our life laid out like this is to hopefully encourage people. I want to be transparent with you about my feelings, thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. I feel this is how deep community is born.

 

Today we declare the end from the beginning: a quiver full of arrows, or, a house full of children!