Here we go!

We started out our testing right away last week. We don't waste time... *wink wink. I had blood work done and Jason did the "manly" test... Ummm... If you know what I mean. Thursday is the day for the HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test. Learn more here.

This is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. They use a dye to allow pictures to be taken to observe if there are any problems, i.e. blockages, scarring, etc. This test will allow them to see if everything can move the way it's supposed to, implant when it needs to, and that eggs are producing and healthy.

This is a pretty tell-all test here. I know this may sound weird, but I'm seriously praying that they find SOMETHING and that, SOMETHING, is super-easily fixable. This means, we would have ANSWERS and could MOVE FORWARD.

Monday we have an ultrasound to check the rest... I don't know what, specifically, they're looking for in that test. But here's the prayers we could use:

-Peace. I'm still a little nervous, peaceful, but nervous. I've never been one to get excited about going to the doctor!

-Results. I'd really like to find something.

-Simple solution. Whatever they find, it's a simple solution.

-Wisdom for us and the doctors... They need to recommend the right answers and make a correct diagnoses!

In the last week God has really shown me a new perspective. I'm learning to look at this as an opportunity instead of a burden. I'm beginning to see that this is a door, that, while I may not understand, is being used by God. I've had the amazing opportunity to meet people I never would have, and experience a new level of pursuit. Listening to God and not walking in shame; it gives one a new lease on life! There is freedom in this place!!

I believe that I serve a God who finishes what He starts and never leaves a promise undone. We have chosen to walk this road and we know that we don't walk it alone. 

I share with you because I hope to encourage you and also inspire you to not be hidden in shame. God uses many different avenues and usually not the ones we expect! Don't be afraid. God is with you and He goes before you preparing the way. Continue to listen to His voice, study the Word, and use discernment and wisdom when making choices. But never be afraid to step out and try something that God has put on your heart.... Never.

Love you all and appreciate you with reckless abandon!

No Shame. A Season of Life.

So, here it is.... An update to a life-decision I never wanted to have to make. I truly, with all my heart, had hoped and believed that we would conceive and carry to term a healthy baby, without the help of doctors. I have nothing against doctors, and I want to make that clear. But it's a fine line when you're believing for something, to go that route.

 

This is the battle: to believe fully in what God is doing and will continue to do, and finish, and walk out the steps you feel you should be taking, especially when they don't line up with what you had in your mind's eye.
 

I stand here today, telling you that I never thought we would go to a fertility specialist. I never imagined that this would be the route we had peace to travel down. I want you to know that this has taken a LONG time to decide upon, and this is why: shame. Pure and simple. I felt shame for even thinking that this would be an option, I felt that my faith wasn't "strong enough" or "big enough" or whatever words you might want to insert there if we decided to "get help". I felt a lot of things, anger, sadness, frustration, pain. 

 

To those of you who have never walked this road, I love you, but I don't think you understand what this feels like. To those of you who have walked this road, yes, I need your encouragement. I am not strong enough on my own to go through this. God does, in fact, give us peace and strength to walk the roads He asks of us; He also doesn't leave us alone. But we have each other to encourage and go through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
 

The decision to go see the doctor was made after much prayer and counsel. This does not mean that we have stopped believing God to provide. I KNOW without a doubt that every conception is still a miracle by the hands of God. It's still up to Him when we conceive. I've considered this long and hard.... But I rest here: It's okay to have a doctor check everything out, it's okay to run some tests and make sure everything is working correctly. If it's not, it's okay to get help. God heals in different ways. Sometimes He chooses the instant miracle like the woman who touched Jesus. Sometimes He has us take steps that don't make sense, but require faith and obedience, just like Namaan who had to wash himself in the dirty river seven times to be healed.
 

We are walking in peace. I choose to not be shameful about this decision and although I may not understand why I feel led to go this route, I'm choosing to be obedient. Yes, it's a little scary because I have no idea what may be involved. Yes, we're going through A LOT of testing for the next few weeks. Yes, we're believing for good reports and simple answers. Yes, we're believing that we'll conceive and carry TO TERM a HEALTHY baby. Yes, I need you to pray for us. Yes, I may need you to sit and cry with me while I process and rest in the fact that God is still God. Yes, I am emotional even though I'm peaceful.
 

This is a battle between my expectations and plans and aligning to what God's plans are. Readjusting your state of mind is usually the most difficult of things to do. I don't try to understand what God is doing, I know He'll show me as it plays out and it's time to know.

So, here's what you can pray for:
 

1. That we would continue to clearly hear God's voice and walk in His leading.

2. Good reports for all testing.

3. Simple answers. (We're really believing that we won't need IVF)

4. Conception of healthy children carried to term.

5. Peace.

 

I know this may be hard to understand for some, and truthfully, I'm still processing. What we need is support and love, not condemnation. We appreciate every single one of you. We love you! If you want to know more details about what we're going through right now, just ask! But know that I will continue to write our story as we go through this. My deepest intentions of having our life laid out like this is to hopefully encourage people. I want to be transparent with you about my feelings, thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. I feel this is how deep community is born.

 

Today we declare the end from the beginning: a quiver full of arrows, or, a house full of children!

Learning How To Take Care of My Body

I thought I might share with you a little of the road that we have taken to learn proper care of our bodies. This of course started with the knowledge of PCOS being caused by the foods we eat.

As you may know from earlier posts when I shared our story (read part one here), several years ago I had been diagnosed with PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. At the time, I had been given only two options to "treat" the problem…

If you want to prevent pregnancy: Birth Control

If you want children: Metformin (a diabetic medication)

A couple of years later I decided to be proactive in finding answers and solutions because we'd wanted children and it hadn't happened. In my Google searching and reading, of which I did A LOT, I found forums and websites that talked about the natural treatment of PCOS. While reading, I began seeing that there was a correlation between type 2 diabetes and PCOS. Still, no one knows exactly what causes it. But these women were seeing results from changing their diets and they were getting pregnant!

The more reading I did on PCOS and eating the more I learned about food in general… Of course, who wouldn't? Anyway, it was truly eye opening. Jason and I, after reading a certain book that I would prefer remained nameless, decided to become vegans. We cleaned out our cabinets of everything processed, meat/animal product, dairy, etc. and went shopping. It was the most I have ever spent on groceries in one sitting!

We had absolutely NO idea what we were doing… We just knew that we were disgusted by the information we had just read and didn't know what foods we could trust anymore. We didn't know what was good for us, what was bad or what you could eat on occasion. Since we didn't know, we cut it all out! We thought we would be vegans for life… Thankfully, that's not the end of the story.

We did see an immediate difference in how we felt, I credit that to the lack of processed foods, pasteurized/homogenized milk, high content of sugar, etc. and the INCREASE in fruits, vegetables, nuts and legumes. We were however, far from anything that would get us all the nutrition our bodies really needed.

I became so enthralled with learning about food that I literally could not put the books down. I still to this day don't want to stop learning! As I continued to read I juggled us from one diet to the next… and to be honest, I missed my eggs. We switched to being vegetarians and, just once, I tried to eat some chicken a few months later and my stomach hurt something awful. I determined that I was better off not eating meat at all. Besides, Adam and Eve didn't eat meat in the garden, right?

I kept reading… and reading… and reading… I started losing weight. We felt AMAZING! I started getting a bit frustrated about all the conflicting information out there. It actually can be quite confusing trying to navigate through who has the correct info. The low-carb diet, the low-fat diet, the vegan, the vegetarian, primitive, etc… I finally started praying about what I was eating. I determined that I wanted a diet that was as close to what Jesus would have eaten as I could get. I would work towards this.

I came across a book that sort of introduced me to the Traditional Diet. It's called The Maker's Diet by Jordan Rubin. Honestly, I don't remember all the details of the book, I just remember it being the first time that someone started referencing the foods that would have been eaten in Bible times. It was a bit overwhelming though and seemed an awful lot of work for someone who was kind of tired from the year of constant changes of foods. I put it to the wayside.

After a short break from anything new I began to desire more of the things I had discovered. I learned that raw milk actually has amazing health benefits. Yes, I know there are those out there that disagree and I am not looking to argue. What I know is that in the Bible, in the Old Testament, the Promised Land was "a land flowing with milk and honey" (Exodus 3:8 NKJV). If God was giving His people a certain land and He created the ENTIRE earth and He chose that land to be a land flowing with MILK and HONEY… then why shouldn't I also be eating MILK and HONEY?

The thing is though, these foods need to be in their original form (not processed). I began to wonder how they actually prepared foods in those days, and what about storage? The more I asked questions, the more I found answers. Fermenting foods not only increases storage life it increases the health benefits of the foods. It helps your body digest foods and remove the nutrients needed for health. As Hippocrates said, "All disease begins in the gut". I believe he was on to something.

I, by no means, am an expert on this topic. I am simply a student who is so "hungry" for more information on taking care of my body. I desire to continue to learn. We have decided that the Traditional Diet is one we want to stick with. I realize that you may not agree, but that's up to you. If you want to know more about the details of what we're learning, message me. The book that I have been using and referencing is Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon. It is a wealth of information and recipes and it walks you through how to prepare foods the traditional way. It really brings you back to the way food was meant to be... whole and nutritious.

I hope this has been encouraging and not anything else... At the very least maybe it will make us all evaluate what we're putting in our bodies and challenge us to eat less processed foods and more foods that are real, whole and nutritious.

Have a blessed and wonderful day!

Here is another link to a website that has been teaching me an immense amount about the preparation of foods for the proper digestion of the body (i.e. Traditional Diet):

www.gnowfglins.com

Your Love Never Fails... And a new part of the story.

In true places of difficulty we always have a choice. We can choose to run and try and figure things out on our own, ultimately leading to chaos and severe empty places inside of ourselves. Or we can choose the road less traveled, and jump with faith and trust into the arms of a Daddy who is ultimately in control, leading to a place of peace and love. This place, in our Daddy's arms, may not reveal the ins and outs of our situation, but it does provide a place of safety.

Recently our story took a turn I had hoped to never experience. I didn't plan to share this experience with the world after it happened either... But alas, here I am. I'm sort of feeling like I need to share it because it is part of us now. We appreciate everyone who has been walking through our experience with us. We're each dealt different cards in life and the one constant we can count on is God, but having friends and family around to encourage and build hope is HUGE! Thank you so much for your support. Please know that I love hearing from you too! Please feel free to share your stories with me.

So, without beating around the bush... We conceived in December of 2012. I know! We were hesitant to be excited at first because, well, let's face it... This has been a rough few years! But a few weeks in we were starting to dream up nursery ideas and fun ways to deliver the news to family. We were starting to believe that THIS was our moment. And it was... for about 6 weeks. 

On January 16, 2013, I had a seizure. I have not had one in 11 years. It was sort of fluke, they have always been caused by severe pain... And this one was no different, although, I'd rather not share the details. The next day we miscarried. I have no idea if they are related or not but I do find the timing interesting.

I was heartbroken. And no one would blame me for the depression that seemed to instantaneously overtake me. I sank so quickly into a pit and I had no idea how to get out! That lasted for about 48 hours. My poor hubby couldn't even make me smile, it wasn't in there. I couldn't find joy even when I tried. I have never felt sorrow and sadness so deep in my soul before.

As I sat in our living room, crying and complaining about how God could have changed it, I realized that this was doing me no good. I decided that soaking with worship music was the only answer, especially since I had no idea how to pray at that moment. During my soaking, God ministered powerfully to me! He showed up in my pain and replaced it with peace, comfort and hope for my future.

You see, God doesn't always give explanations... A lot of the time He just wants us to trust Him. In fact, when we focus too much on things we want, they can become an idol. So in the end our focus should always be on God. This does not mean that you don't grieve a loss, or hope for the desires of your heart. But it does mean that you don't dwell on them. Grieve when you need to grieve and rejoice when it's time to rejoice. But always focus on God and always choose to be thankful for what HE HAS ALREADY DONE! Always turn to Him and always enter His courts with praise. No matter the circumstances, God is still God.

Hope feels. Faith sees. Love wins. (Kris Valloton). Remember to encourage each other and give hope, it builds faith. We are looking forward to a BRIGHT future that God already has planned! I believe that God has a "future and a hope" (Jer 29:11) for YOUR future too.

Hebrews 11:1-3 NKJV

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible." 

A New Year, A Fresh Start

I feel led to write right now. At this very moment there are many things going through my brain… Most I cannot share with you at this time. However, what I can share with you is this:

January has been an interesting month thus far. I started this year off with a new look at "New Year's Day". I used to have the perspective that it was "just a new number". This year however, I realize that it's much more. With the last few years of life and especially 2012, I've learned that there is something special about a "new number".

Last year was probably one of, if not THE, toughest year of my life. I experienced some trials that really challenged me as a person and challenged me to trust God and who He has placed in leadership. So many times last year I truly wanted to run away. I dreamed of becoming a Gypsy or a world traveler without a home… Or of traveling to a remote place and just starting over with my hubby and my dog.

At the end of the year I had so much pent up anger that I was becoming very short and snippy with everyone around me. To the world, the anger was well-deserved, to my God, He had better for me. I hurt so much inside and I didn't even realize. I had tucked it so far down and only dealt with part of what I was going through. Oh, but God is gracious and He certainly loves us where we're at, but thankfully, He doesn't leave us there!

God met me in my pain and He did something miraculous. He healed my heart and gave me something so much better! He gave me peace, a quiet spirit and the ability to love again. He gave me a renewed vision for the life He wants me to live. He called me back to Himself because He will NEVER EVER EVER leave us. He desires that we ALWAYS bring our hurts to Him. He desires that we live life with Him. He desires to console us when we're down and encourage and love us back up to our feet. He desires to rejoice with us when blessing is in front of us. He desires to pour that blessing out on us.

God gave me several words for 2013, "Expectation" and "New Beginnings". As I pondered these words I realized that I, for the first time ever, was looking forward to New Year's Eve. I had goose bumps walking into the party on New Year's Eve. I desired to countdown the clock and celebrate with people, a new year! I wondered about this since it was a new concept for me.

I realized that as much as each day is new there is something significant about a changing year, just as there is something significant about a changing season. The ability to look into the future and know that God is in charge. To know that the ability to start over is right at home… you don't need to run away. I had a perspective change that started my 2013 with hope.

And that's my word for 2013… Hope. Hope for my future, hope for my family, hope for promises to be fulfilled. So, I sit here writing this for you. So far I would say that January hasn't gone the way I thought it would. I'm 28 years old now and I had expected to be able to share news with you by now… but it didn't happen that way. The truth is, I have no idea what the details are of my future. What I know, without any doubt in my mind or my heart, is that my God is the ultimate authority. He's calling the shots in my life and I'm following His lead.

It's certainly an adventure to not know exactly what's next, but the thing is, it doesn't matter. My goal in life is to love on as many people as I can and share Jesus with as many people as possible. To love my husband and my family, and to live for God all the days of my life.

I wait, patiently expecting that God will continue to do amazing things in and through me. Fully anticipating that 2013 is my new beginning. Hoping for my future, all of God's goodness.

"But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God. I will always trust in God's unfailing love."

Psalm 52:8

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

James 1:2

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6 

Do You Know?

Do you know?

Do you know who you are? Do you know who God created you to be? Do you know that your life has purpose? Do you know that God created you to be unique? Do you know that God loves you?

Do you know that God wants you to know Him? Do you know that He cares about every detail of your life? Do you know that even when things don't go as planned, the promise still stands? Do you know that even when you make mistakes, God still loves you?

Do you know that He will never stop loving you?

Do you know that when life is hard, you aren't alone? Do you know that when life is great, God is cheering with you? Do you know that the love our Daddy God has for us cannot be measured or contained?

Do you know? Do you realize? Have you grasped?

God loves you and you are never alone. Nothing you do can ever separate you from God. Nothing. In. The. World. Can. Ever. Separate. You. From. God.

Accept His love. Soak it in. Talk to Him. Listen to Him. Learn your purpose. Be loved and share love.

Our Story: Part Seven

This is the last part in our story… For now anyhow. God is still working and I look joyously on the day that Part 8 will be up, for this will be our epic announcement of the fulfillment of God's word! Watch for it… it's coming!

I shared with you, my friends and family, our story because I had hoped it would encourage you. I realize that so many times in life we don't talk about the ugly things because we are supposed to be "perfect". The problem is, none of us are perfect. We are all people living in a fallen world. The amazing thing is that we have a God who loves us and He's given us each other to help us when life gets tough.

We can laugh together, cry together, worship together, pray together and just be together. When we share our lives together we experience community and love. When we are transparent about what we are going through others can help us through with love and wisdom. Then we are empowered to help others by encouraging them with our story.

You see, we were never meant to walk this road alone. God is a god of relationship and community. He never promised easy, but He promised we wouldn't have to do it on our own. He didn't say this life would be beautiful and perfect either.

We all have a story, each one is very different. There may be similarities, but you may not have experienced what Jason and I have gone through and I know that I have not experienced what many have gone through.

What I am thankful for is a Daddy who loves me no matter what. He daily gives me strength and courage to live and follow through with the call He has on my life. He walks with me and talks with me... Although when it gets really hard He just holds me. Sometimes words are overrated.

I'm thankful for people who care and come alongside us and pray with us and love us. I'm thankful for a husband who has always seemed to be stronger than me.

In the last couple of years Jason and I decided that we would live our lives to the full. We realize that any summer could be our last one without children... So, we made a list of things we would like to do before we have kids. We're working through it. We decided to enjoy our sleep while we can. We have learned to enjoy life as just the two of us and this has taught me something truly valuable....

If it were always just Jason, myself and God... I would be okay.

I would be okay... In fact, I would be happy. Happiness does not come from our circumstances, joy comes from The Lord! I have learned that while believing for something, it's okay to be happy. Daily I believe for the fulfillment of our miracle. But I'm happy, and that is freeing my friends.

Seek God and He will show you how He sees you. He will show you how to live a life full of joy and meaning. He loves you like He loves me. He's never left you and He never will...