They had told us that we needed to come to a place of sweet surrender and patient perseverance. The imagery they gave me is quite beautiful. Imagine yourself as a child on Christmas morning amongst many children. The adult is passing out the gifts to all the children, but so far, there's nothing for you... But you know there's a wonderful gift for you. You have anticipation of this gift and joy for it. All the while you're happy and joyful for those around you. This happiness and joy comes because you know your Daddy didn't forget about you!
What a powerful image! Our Father loves us! He has never forgotten about us and He never will. His Word does not come back to Him void and His promises are "Yes and amen" to all His children.
I look forward to the day I have a positive pregnancy test, and the opportunity to hear a little heartbeat. And then the moment you feel your little blessing kick, and holding them for the first time.
What joy! And what an amazing experience to look forward to!
This year, 2012, has been what I would call "the climax" of my healing. I really thought I had dealt with all the junk and yucky of waiting and still believing every day and every month that this could be the day God fulfills His promise. But in February I had suspected another friend to be pregnant. This stirred up something I didn't know still existed in my heart…
We went to our group for young married couples and the suspicion I had was confirmed, my friend was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks… unexpectedly. As the evening began and I looked around the table I was sitting at, I realized that I was sitting with a bunch of expecting moms. This did not sit well with me and no matter how much I tried, I could not pull myself together. We had to leave early…
We went home and neither Jason or I could even keep it together. He decided to go for a run and I decided to take a bath… We both needed time with Jesus. I wept and wept and wept. I asked Jesus why. No answer. However, He showed me a picture… It was the two of us and He was hugging me. No matter what I said or did, He simply held me. He never said a word, but I was surrounded with peace.
I realized that there isn't always an answer… at least an answer that we get to hear. The one thing God wants from us is our whole heart. He wants us to trust that He has our best interest in mind and that means that it may not line up with what we had in mind. In order for this to work, you have to trust Him. You have to know that you only need to know one step at a time.
I do not imply that everything is in the will of God. I am simply stating that God loves us and always wants the best for His children. What parent wouldn't? Life doesn't always play out the way we want it to and there aren't always explanations for the ugly and painful. But God is always with us. He never leaves, He walks the lonely and painful roads with us. He is no stranger to grief.
This is part of learning to let Him love you and learning to trust Him. It's not easy, but believe me, it's worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment