Everything regulated in my body (at least it appeared to) and we thought we were home-free. I had decided that continuing to take the Metformin was not something I was comfortable with. I discovered that it was a diabetic medication and that didn't set well with me.
Another disclaimer: as you'll notice, my instincts tend to steer away from modern medicine. It's just something I personally am not comfortable with. If that's the direction you choose or have chosen, then that's what you need to do. Please do not take anything I say as the end-all, be-all. This is simply our story and what we're comfortable with.
Keeping the mindset that we currently had, "if it happens, it happens" was getting increasingly more difficult as time went on. Nothing was happening. When we had been married for two years I started an internship at our church. It was August of 2008 and it was the direction that we felt led to go. It was an unpaid internship with the college ministry and it started a whirlwind of adventure living for God!
We were having a blast serving in our church in a new capacity, learning and building relationships. During this time though was when I began to realize how much it was bothering me that nothing was happening. It was here where the people around me started getting pregnant in large amounts. It literally seemed that there wasn't any married person not pregnant... and even a few single ones.
A deep anger and bitterness started to rise up in me that I didn't understand. I didn't even realize it was there! My life seemed as if it was entering a very dark chasm. I also began to know when girls were pregnant before they had announced it and in certain times before they knew they were pregnant. I believed for awhile that it was a forewarning from the Holy Spirit so I could try to deal with this news before it was delivered to me by the person.
I hit rock bottom when I discovered a friend of mine was pregnant. Her and her husband were married only a few short months when they found out they had conceived. Their plan was to have children in approximately 5 years. I became so angry that one day at my girl's small group my mind was clouded and I could hardly communicate with people. I had to leave as soon as possible before I said something that I would regret.
When I got home I was boiling and I literally boiled over on my husband! He happened to be working an overnight shift that night and when I arrived at the house he was about ready to head out for his shift that night. I don't know how it happened, it just did, but everything that had been stuffed down inside came out on him. I screamed and yelled and accused and said awful, hurtful things. He just nodded, said nothing, and went to work.
I flung myself on the couch and began weeping bitterly. I hurt on the inside and outside. I began to cry out to God about my situation, just sharing my hurt and pain and disappointment. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a bright light, as soon as I turned my head it was gone. Immediately following, an immense peace filled the room and it filled me. I felt in my spirit a love that can't be explained.
This was the beginning of my healing.
No comments:
Post a Comment