Our Story: Part Three

Nothing happened overnight. In fact, I'm still not 100%. But everything in my world began to change for the better. God had begun to do a work in me that has propelled me further into relationship with Him. I still ran away from people I knew were pregnant because I didn't know how to deal with the pain and be happy for them at the same time. But every time I ran, Jesus was with me comforting me.    

That year (2009) I decided to become proactive in finding out what the problem was with us conceiving. As I researched polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) I discovered that it was very likely caused by the foods I was eating. As I continued to search out what was going on Jason and I decided that we didn't know what foods were safe or good for us anymore. With this newfound information we cleaned out of our cupboard everything that was processed. Then we went shopping and within hours had become vegans.

In December of 2009 I had a conversation with a friend about healing. It was there that I realized how big and awesome my God is. I got this crazy idea that He could and would heal me of PCOS. That Sunday morning I had determined that I would have the pastor pray for me at church and I was going to be healed. I tell you that everything that could have possibly gone wrong, went wrong that morning. But with perseverance I made it to church and I received prayer. This was of course after waiting in the sanctuary after service and chasing the pastor down… Because he didn't see me waiting for him.

It was here, as Pastor Dean was praying for us, that we received a word that we would indeed have children and that it would happen naturally. God healed my womb that very moment. I was crying and so excited I could hardly contain it! I thought for sure that month we would conceive.

However, it didn't play out the way I thought it would. We were charting and we had purchased an ovulation test that month. According to my temperatures and the ovulation test we were dead on with our timing... But nothing happened. I was so disappointed and I felt defeated in January. I came into a bit of depression. More people are conceiving and I'm still here feeling like a lost puppy. Feeling forgotten.

If you've been in this place, you understand how I felt. It hurts, it's confusing, and you feel helpless. But the one thing that always remained was the comfort and peace that God gave me. Every day He reminded me of His never-ending love. He showed me all infinite ways that He cares for us and our needs. All the pain that my heart has bore has brought me so much closer to my Father.

In the following year it was a rollercoaster. Every month a disappointment, every month tears in the amount of rivers. At least it seemed that way. But always feeling encouraged and re-energized to get back up and try again, to keep moving forward and pressing in. God never ceased to give me strength that I could have never come up with on my own.

You see, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. God doesn't promise that doing things His way will be easy, in fact, He tells us it will be hard and full of persecution. But He promises that He will walk the road WITH us. He will NEVER forsake us. What an amazing promise! 

Our Story: Part two

We decided that going on the Metformin would be the best decision for us. Not having a lot of information made the saying "ignorance is bliss" very fitting. None-the-less it did get my cycle going again.

Everything regulated in my body (at least it appeared to) and we thought we were home-free. I had decided that continuing to take the Metformin was not something I was comfortable with. I discovered that it was a diabetic medication and that didn't set well with me.

Another disclaimer: as you'll notice, my instincts tend to steer away from modern medicine. It's just something I personally am not comfortable with. If that's the direction you choose or have chosen, then that's what you need to do. Please do not take anything I say as the end-all, be-all. This is simply our story and what we're comfortable with.

Keeping the mindset that we currently had, "if it happens, it happens" was getting increasingly more difficult as time went on. Nothing was happening. When we had been married for two years I started an internship at our church. It was August of 2008 and it was the direction that we felt led to go. It was an unpaid internship with the college ministry and it started a whirlwind of adventure living for God!

We were having a blast serving in our church in a new capacity, learning and building relationships. During this time though was when I began to realize how much it was bothering me that nothing was happening. It was here where the people around me started getting pregnant in large amounts. It literally seemed that there wasn't any married person not pregnant... and even a few single ones. 

A deep anger and bitterness started to rise up in me that I didn't understand. I didn't even realize it was there! My life seemed as if it was entering a very dark chasm. I also began to know when girls were pregnant before they had announced it and in certain times before they knew they were pregnant. I believed for awhile that it was a forewarning from the Holy Spirit so I could try to deal with this news before it was delivered to me by the person.

I hit rock bottom when I discovered a friend of mine was pregnant. Her and her husband were married only a few short months when they found out they had conceived. Their plan was to have children in approximately 5 years. I became so angry that one day at my girl's small group my mind was clouded and I could hardly communicate with people. I had to leave as soon as possible before I said something that I would regret. 

When I got home I was boiling and I literally boiled over on my husband! He happened to be working an overnight shift that night and when I arrived at the house he was about ready to head out for his shift that night. I don't know how it happened, it just did, but everything that had been stuffed down inside came out on him. I screamed and yelled and accused and said awful, hurtful things. He just nodded, said nothing, and went to work.

I flung myself on the couch and began weeping bitterly. I hurt on the inside and outside. I began to cry out to God about my situation, just sharing my hurt and pain and disappointment. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a bright light, as soon as I turned my head it was gone. Immediately following, an immense peace filled the room and it filled me. I felt in my spirit a love that can't be explained.

This was the beginning of my healing. 

Our Story: Pt 1

The intent of this blog is to be able to bless and walk with women who have been struggling with conceiving. This is not an easy road to walk and there are so many women out there who are walking it alone. I feel that I should start with my own story.

 

My husband and I have been married for a little over six years. May 20, 2006 was the beginning of marriage for us. When we were first married we knew that someday we wanted to have kids but "not right now." This is so common among couples and can be a very healthy decision. It gives you the ability to be a married couple without the distraction of children.

Within a couple of months of marriage we had good reason to believe that this plan may not have worked out to our liking… But then, we were 'delightfully' surprised to find that we were wrong. You see, my cycles used to be like clockwork. I could tell you the day and almost the time that they would start. So, when you're a day or two or three late, that's not normal. The first time this happened was July of 2006. It happened again in August, only this time my cycle went longer. Then again in September. In September my cycle never started at all. In fact, I thought for sure we were pregnant even though every pregnancy test was a negative!

As the months went by and we kept thinking we were pregnant, our brains started processing the idea of actually having children and what it would mean. Our hearts started changing to the idea that we might actually like to have children sooner rather than later. If you've never been in this place, you won't understand. This plays with your thoughts and your heart. It makes you evaluate your life and when you look at each life as a blessing and a miracle, you realize that if you had one of these little blessings, your life would be even more blessed even if it wasn't what you had originally planned.

We decided that we should go to the doctor when October arrived and my cycle hadn't come to a close… I went in to the Gynecologist and they ordered blood work. This came back negative to pregnancy. Which then led everyone to wonder what was really going on.

My doctor noticed from the blood work that my hormones were off and they were possibly indicating Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So she decided an ultrasound was in order. When that was complete, it was confirmed that I did, without a doubt, have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

When I received a phone call that the test results were back and that the doctor would like to see me again, I scheduled the appointment. When I arrived and my doctor came in, she was surprised to see me because I didn't have questions. I was surprised she wasn't telling me what I was supposed to be doing now about this diagnoses. The one question my doctor did ask was if we wanted to try and have kids. With that, we were given the following options:

If yes, you would go on Metformin.

If no, you would go on birth control.

I was not told how I came to have PCOS, what causes it, how to get rid of (if that is even an option), or any information about the meds I was being offered. Simply, 'this drug or this drug'.

Now, I have to put a disclaimer in here. To the credit of the doctor, at that time, there truly was not a lot of information available on PCOS. At least this was my understanding.

By this time, Jason and I had decided that we did want to try to have kids. But it was a very laid back decision. More or less, if it happens it happens. We never suspected that the road we were just beginning to walk was going to be a very long and painful walk. This is a journey that I truly wish no soul would ever have to bear.

On the positive side, we have been through so many things that I would never replace in my wildest dreams! I have learned things and experienced things I never would have been able to without this journey. In the end, this is still my journey. One that God can make into something beautiful. Out of ashes and pain, He makes beautiful things.

Is grace a choice?

Is grace a choice? By this I mean, when we say things like "the grace to continue in this position has lifted" or "I just don't have the grace to do that" or to treat someone a certain way. Does that mean we have the choice to extend grace? Yes, I think it does. 

I believe that we have a choice to extend grace wherever we need to. The Bible says that God's "grace is sufficient for us" (2 Cor. 12:9). It's not our grace that we give out, it's God's. And we have it because He's given it to us freely. So truthfully, although God may have called us in a different direction, to a new job, or to deal with someone we don't prefer, it's merely a choice to have a bad attitude, or to treat someone badly. All we have to do is ask God to help us, to give us strength and courage to rise up and extend His grace in places that need it. It's not just for other people, it's for our benefit as well. 

When things don't go the way you expect them to, it's not the time to act like a child and throw a temper tantrum. It's time to go to God and be quiet and ask Him to show you what's going on. He is a Daddy that will give you peace and maybe even a clear answer... or He'll ask you to trust Him and to wait patiently while He shows you each step to take. The result is integrity and character and a reward of being able to show love in ways you never thought were possible.

The fact is, God has extended grace so freely to us through His son that we are super selfish when we don't extend that to others ourselves. It certainly doesn't make it easy all the time, but that's where prayer and meditating on the Word are pertinent. It softens the roughest edges and sweetens the bitterest of words. It makes pure the dirtiest of thoughts and intentions. It cleans, challenges and refines us. This is how God disciplines and takes care of His children. Proverbs tells us that God disciplines those He loves (Proverbs 3:12).

When you make a mistake, realize that discipline will come, but it's always gentle and never condemning when it's from God. He will point it out and surely it's not comfortable, but repentance is always the solution and He's always waiting with open arms for us to keep moving forward.

What an awesome God we serve that we don't have to live hard, mean lives. We can love and make mistakes and learn from them and move on. God is so good and so loving. He has never left us and never will. His grace is daily sufficient for us, and it's more than enough to pass out to others in all situations.

You are chosen and holy and dearly loved.

Do you know who you are? I mean do you REALLY know who you are? I ask this question and not lightly so you’ll take a moment to process this and see if you know who you are. I don’t mean “what is your name” or “where do you work” or “what do you like to do”. If you are a Christian and you’ve accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, do you know that you are a child of the Most High God? Do you know what that makes you? That makes you a prince or princess! Can I get an AMEN?!

We serve a great God and He loves us so very much. He loves us so much that He gave His son to die on a cross for us to pay for our sins! Not only that but He designed each one of us… He knew us BEFORE we were even in our mother’s womb! David says in Psalm 139:12-14 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” You are made with care and precision, you are loved and designed. You were made in the image of God and He has a purpose for your life.

To sum this up, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you are loved, and you are a child of the Most High God! You are chosen and you have a purpose. Walk this out; mull it around in your brain. How does this change your world? Will you act differently? Live differently?

Remember who you are, in Christ!

Noah and a blast from the past!

I was flipping through some old newsletters I wrote when I was an intern. I found one that really hit home and I realized the message that was there and the revelation that I had received for my own life; literally 2 years ago and I’m only now beginning to see the comfort God was giving me then! Sometimes we are so dense… at least I am.  Here’s the message I wrote:

So, I’ve been reading in the book of Genesis, and I was reading about Noah. As I was reading I started picturing being on the Ark with my family for months! It would be difficult not knowing exactly how long I would be there or what God had in mind. Not to mention the fact that there were a ton of animals and where in the world did they go to bathroom? I started thinking about it and I realized how much faith Noah really had to have. He trusted God that he would not be on that boat forever! I wondered if I would have that kind of faith, trust and patience. So, my encouragement for you would be, even though you don’t see the whole picture and you don’t always know why you are going through it or what it’s going to look like on the other side, trust God. He sees the whole picture and his timing is perfect.

Jason and I have been believing for kids for 3 ½ years now… I wrote this message 2 years ago.  We were only in what I would consider the beginning of the painful season of this waiting. We are through the painful part now, but I look at the contents above and I see how much meat there is! Bless the Lord. When we are going through something, good or bad, God is right there with us; He is so faithful and constant. God does see the big picture and if you have given your life over to Him completely you can trust that He will take care of you. That does not mean that you won’t go through junk, by all means there will be junk! But you don’t have to go through it alone. The best part about going through life WITH God is that when you do have something happen, or a season that is not-so-fun, you have a Comforter.  You also have someone to celebrate with during the joyous times!

Noah dealt with serious opposition and persecution; people ridiculed him for taking God’s Word by faith and building the Ark even though no one had even heard of rain! Imagine what he was thinking, what he was feeling. When you know that God is in control, and you take Him at his word, it makes standing against opposition, temptation, persecution, and struggles that much better. You know that you have God backing you up! How cool is that?
We may not understand why we have to wait for something, or why we’re going through something, but we can know that we’re not alone. We can also know that the One who sees the big picture is in charge. Trust in God, fellowship with Him, and spend time in His Word. Let it penetrate every fiber of your being. Let God reign in your life.

This is love...

One of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world is be outside... I love growing things to! I am currently nurturing a whole lot of tomato and pepper plants! What a fun way to end winter and start spring. Everyone really should do it...

Anyhow, these last couple of weeks have been full of thought and prayer. Jason and I have been through quite a bit in our almost 5 years of marriage. The best part about it though, is that it's brought us closer together. There's no way we could have gone through financial downfall, infertility, and other issues on our own and made it through. We've gotten closer because of God. We made a choice about 3 years ago now to truly follow God and make Jesus the Lord of our lives! It's been the best decision we've ever made. It didn't take the problems away by any means, but it sure did make it simpler to go through them. When you really KNOW who your true daddy is (God in heaven). Everything in life is richer. We have a God who loves us so much that He sent His son to die for us. His grace is sufficient and overflowing for us. He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords! Sure life gets tough... every person goes through their own battlefield. But the good news is that you don't have to fight alone. God wants to fight our battles with us; he's given us authority over Satan. When life gets you down, you're not alone! You're never alone when you have the Holy Spirit. Check yourself... do you know who your true daddy is? Do you know who you are fighting WITH and who you are fighting AGAINST? God loves you so much, accept it and embrace it.

"We love, because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

I truly love you all!